Retooser

I would just wake my roommate up and tell her to roll over. She never even remembered it in the morning.

Because a cigarette and a lollipop stick look so similar.

I work at a grocery store, and people use our motorized scooters, meant for the disabled and/ or elderly, because they are too fat to walk themselves around the store. And what makes it worse is that when they're checking out, it's all junk food and other things that are horrible for you.

My name is Mary too, and I 100% agree. I work at a grocery store, and the whole Christmas season, people kept going "Mary doesn't look very merry!" Maybe that's because I was working on Christmas Eve and had heard that joke about 400 times before. Sorry, I needed to vent.

My dad is a football coach, and once in the program, my sister and I were listed as "Coach _____'s children, Cookie and Luke." That would be the cat and the dog, respectively.

Everyone always complains about Safari, but I've never had a problem with it. I had more issues with Firefox than I ever have with Safari.

I don't think the laundry room window has ever been opened in either of the two houses I've lived in.

Peanut butter, Nutella, and fluff sandwiches are really good too. Terrible for you, but great.

The best part about all of this is that Congress is saying that the tomato paste used in pizza sauce is what qualifies pizza as a vegetable. Tomato paste is made from tomatoes, which are a fruit. (ono)

Sans- without Comic- funny Dane Cook is not funny. Therefore, Sans Comic.

It is. I never knew what to call my mom in the classroom, so I usually ended up calling her "Um."

My roommate last year called me a "pill popper" every time I took Advil and my prescribed antibiotics. She was a very sheltered child.

Pretty much.

Ugh. How on earth did you stomach that? The Japanese version alone is awful tasting enough, I can't imagine it mixed with other flavors.

At my high school, everyone made the team regardless of skill or talent.